Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
