The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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