I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
