If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
