don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
