hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
