my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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