Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
