someone get that fucking seahorse.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
