if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
