for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
