i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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