He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
