Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
