Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Randomize
