Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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