Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
