YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
