does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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