From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
