I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
