Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
