Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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