you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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