my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
