It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
