Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
