you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
