Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize