We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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