you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
