last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
