Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
