My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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