I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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