Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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