Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
