The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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