I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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