I met the friendliest cop last night
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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