Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
is it fun? or sober?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
