Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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