I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
