a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
