Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
They took my balls.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
