Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize