I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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