i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
