I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
