so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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