Princesses don't give blow jobs
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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