Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
