We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
