Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize