Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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