Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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