and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
