i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
