Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
