so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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