I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
