If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
