I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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